Long Distance Almost-Relationship: How to Turn Your Love Life into a Project Management Nightmare

My almost-girlfriend lives 13 hours away.

We have a very modern arrangement:

• She's exclusively not dating me
• I'm exclusively not allowed to date anyone else
• We're exclusively confused

I created a Gantt chart to track her availability patterns:
✓ First 2 weeks of break: 100% engagement
✓ Rest of the semester: Read receipts and tumbleweeds

(Update: I presented this data at a company meeting by mistake. Got promoted to Head of Strategic Planning.)

I am being treated like a son-in-law trainee.

Her senior sister has basically started planning our wedding.
Plot twist: We're not even dating.

I'm basically in a relationship with everyone else except her.

(Update 2: Her sister now reviews my quarterly performance as a non-boyfriend)

Life lesson: Sometimes the best relationship status is "404 - Commitment Not Found"